Risk

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Risk! The concept is terrifying! I think especially for me considering the way I was raised. I think one thing that my mother instilled in me, probably stronger than anything else was fear. You know the plastic hand puppets that kids used to get with Happy Meals from McDonald's? My mom used to poke holes in mine before she gave them to me for fear that I might suffocate. I carried scissors and knives by the very tip of the handles and at arms length because my mom had me convinced I'd cut myself. 

I am afraid of everything and I am struggling to get over that. To go after what I really want in life is going to require risk and I have to be okay with that. Faith is another concept that I struggle with and I think that might be completely related to my risk issue. One takes a risk, with faith that they will get the best outcome. That whole concept is hard for me. One might invest all of there savings in starting a business with faith that it will be successful. While I would think, "well I know I won't lose my savings if I don't risk it to follow my dream", so my bet has always been on the sure thing. I also need to learn to take a risk and have faith with my feelings. I need to dare to dream and have faith that they will come true.

In the past I have never let myself dream or get my hopes up regarding things that I couldn't logically plan a way to make some true. Like I never let myself dream about beautiful condos, expensive vacations and things like that because I couldn't wrap my pessimistic mind around a way that I would ever achieve those things, so to me it was too painful. 

My new outlook has me dreaming and focusing on what I want and believing that the Universe will provide me with the circumstances in my life that will allow me to achieve those things. Even logically, 10 years ago, I never thought I would be able to work for a bank, hell 10 years ago I didn't think I could hold a job anywhere. I never thought I would have a house or drive a car and those things have all happened anyway.  It's amazing the things that I have accomplished when there were other people, myself included, who thought I couldn't. So my new saying is anything is possible if you believe that it is.

The painting above is titled "Through My Mother's Eyes" I attempted to show how even on a beautiful day without a cloud in a sky, my mother only saw the storm that may or may not be coming. The tree in the center represents me, it shows that I was blossoming with potential for greatness and she still couldn't see it. She was trying to look out for me and keep me from getting hurt, but in her eyes it was better for me to never attempt anything rather than to try and risk failing and getting hurt. It kind of set the tone for my perception of what I could do.